Operation Turntable - A Woman's Get Back

Here I am sitting in my panties, on the floor, in the middle of my living room. Glass of wine in one hand, a Vicodin in the other, all while trying to resist the urge to have a complete meltdown. Sometimes life just stinks. Oh sure, the prissy, life loving do-gooders, can puke out overused cliché’s on cheap manufactured posters, “Just hang in there” but never consider that the little orange pussy, hanging on the clothesline, is probably fighting the inevitable plunge into Dante’s Inferno. That little tabby hasn’t a clue…

Let me introduce myself. My name is Elizabeth. I am a 44 year old SWF. I have no children, no husband, and no boyfriend. My two unruly German Shepherds do not respect me, my cat gives me the stink eye, and my fish only know me as the big hand bearing yummies. Other than that – I am alone. Alone, except for Larry, a local homeless man at the nearby McDonald’s who finds me absolutely intriguing. Okay, maybe not intriguing, but definitely nice. I haven’t seen him in a day or so. Note to self: Check on Larry.

Where did I go wrong? Am I expected to be lonely forever? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being alone. I love myself. I think…? I am a good person, do my part for the planet, and go out of my way to be nice to strangers. Strangers are easy. My facades are many. Sometimes, with these strangers, I am an intellect; and other times I dumb it up. It’s the only way I feel comfortable. It serves as a barrier protecting my personal space, and my personal self. Why do I even bother with letting others in, when it is going to end in a disastrous but cordial break-up?

My last ex described me a “full package.” A woman who can hold her own in a barroom brawl, and who knows what a first down is. A woman who is a great cook, funny, well-traveled, intelligent, articulate, and who brings a treasure trove of sexy debauchery to all intimate encounters. Why am I now alone? It’s simple. I’m intelligent. I am gifted with the ability of weeding through the bullshit, distinguishing truth from lies, and knowing how to let them sink their own battleships. It’s the aftermath that is so difficult.

Three years ago I looked up my first childhood crush, Terry. Okay…maybe I stalked him. J I did it on a dare, and until today’s wine and Vicodin, thought it was a groovy idea. I now think I love him, and like all the others before, I hate him too. Why do men feel empowered with the knowledge that they have women swooning? Do men ever grow up, and stop playing head games? Terry lives 1,000 miles away, resides with his parents, has no driver’s license. To justify things in my head – he’s a hard worker, and gets my silly jokes. Why is Terry so appealing? Because Terry is a bad boy, and a player; that’s why! We always want that which is bad for us…chocolate, cheeseburgers, and bad boys. I’ll get back to Terry and the Vicodin later.

We as women, ignore all the signs, and refuse to take off our pink glittered blinders. Damn Walt Disney for making us believe in fairytales. They don’t exist. There are no mixed signals. We listen with our hearts and hear only the portions we want. Well, no more!

As of today, I am going to turn the tables. I am going to be a bad girl. I am going to intentionally do to them, what they do to me [us]. I am doing this to thwart any faith I might have left in mankind. I am undertaking this mission as a way to take one for the team. Yes ladies, I am going to do this for the betterment of a woman kind. I want to see how it feels to be empowered by being wanted and desired by many, and to prove to men that they are just plain mean. Operation Turntable has officially begun…

*I will only choose above average looking men.

*I will not infringe on those who are married, attached or unsure of where they stand with a girlfriend.

*I will always be truthful, but will choose my words and expressions with caution, as to never let on that “it is what it is,” nothing more than a mission.

*I will never become emotionally involved.

*I will always be the sweetest, most attentive, sexiest woman I can be.